


Never meant to happen

by mckvch (RaiseYourVoice)



Series: Meant to be [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Bane Chronicles - Sarah Rees Brennan & Cassandra Clare & Maureen Johnson, The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: (no permanent death - don't worry), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blood Drinking, Character Death, Character Turned Into Vampire, Clan Leader Raphael, Consensual Blood Drinking, First Kiss, Happy Ending, Hurt Simon, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Simon, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Mention of blood, Protective Raphael, Vampire Raphael, Vampire Simon, Vampire Turning, mention of Non-Consensual Blood Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 03:15:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7082947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaiseYourVoice/pseuds/mckvch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“This is insane. <i>You’re</i> insane! Of course you are…you’re a fucking <i>monster</i>! And—and now…I’m one as well.” Simon’s voice wavered from his strong emotions and he looked like he was about to start crying - the older vampire couldn’t blame him. He knew what it felt like to wake up being a monster and how you could only wish to have died instead of becoming <i>this</i>. He wouldn’t admit that it hurt being called a monster, although it had been his own opinion of himself for a long, long time - or maybe that was why it hurt so much; it reminded him of the time that he felt like a horrible, inhuman creature that shouldn’t exists in this world. But Magnus had helped him to not give up, showed him a different path and Simon needed someone to guide him as well, to help him accept his new nature, no matter how difficult it was to adapt to such a fundamental change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never meant to happen

**Author's Note:**

  * For [magnusisfabulous](https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnusisfabulous/gifts).



The last time Raphael had seen Simon in front of the hotel, he had told the idiot to get lost and never come back and he had been so sure that his intimidating demeanor had been enough for the other to actually  _stay the fuck away_. Of course it hadn’t. What had Raphael been thinking? He should have literally knocked the boy around some to scare him off properly and make sure he would never come back. But he had been too soft on this useless guy, _again_ , and so he probably shouldn’t be surprised to suddenly catch the scent of  _mundane_  when he left his room at the hotel. The vampire was pissed off at how suicidal this stupid human was and he got ready to make the boy leave for good, otherwise this would end very badly.

The closer Raphael got to the scent, the more did he realize the bad end must have happened already because he could smell blood but not make out the sound of breathing or a heartbeat.  _Please no!_ Maybe he had gotten hurt and his heartbeat and breathing was just too shallow for Raphael to make out? He knew it wasn’t the case; his senses were way too good to be fooled this easily. This assumption was immediately confirmed when he entered the large room with the ridiculous golden furniture (these things were uncomfortable as fuck, even for a vampire) because there he was. Simon, lying motionless on the floor, with his glasses askew, limbs partly fanned out in odd angles and an obvious bite wound at his neck. The deep red, rich smelling blood partly pooled on the floor beneath the boy’s very dead body and Raphael sucked in an unnecessary breath, tried to block out the smell of curdling blood and death that invaded his senses.

“You came back.  _Why_  did you come back?!” Raphael asked, though he wouldn’t get a reply, obviously. The vampire stepped closer, after making sure nobody else from the clan (especially Camille) was nearby when he dropped to his knees next to the lifeless body and he couldn’t help but softly press his fingers to the still slightly warm skin of Simon’s neck, where his pulse should be but of course there was no slight throbbing that indicated he was still alive. Raphael mumbled a curse in Spanish and raked his fingers through his usually perfectly styled hair. Simon had gotten on his nerves during their few encounters but the vampire had never wanted anything to happen to this nuisance. That was why he had helped the boy escape from the hotel before and why he had warned him not to return to this place. He knew Camille would only use Simon for her sick little games again or would end up killing him, which was exactly what had happened now.

The vampire couldn’t keep sitting here and stare at the body for such a long period of time, considering that Camille could come back any minute and he really didn’t feel like experiencing what she planned on doing with Simon’s body or him – especially now that he knew what she had done. There was no time to hesitate and that’s why Raphael made a decision - he would bring the body to the institute and hopefully the red headed girl would be there. It wasn’t the vampire’s choice to make what should happen to Simon. If he should be buried to turn into one of the night children or if he should be staked and lain to rest. When Raphael had been turned about 70 years ago he didn’t have a say in the matter and while this way wasn’t exactly Simon’s choice either, it was at least the closest thing to it, letting someone important to him decide. So this was how he ended up at the steps to the institute, the lifeless Simon cradled against his chest and his head bowed ever so slightly as soon as the heavy doors of the church swung open.

***

“It’s all YOUR fault!” Simon stared at him with wide, angry and anxious eyes. The front of the boy’s shirt, just as his chin and front of the neck were splashed in read from the blood Raphael had handed him right after Simon had literally crawled from his grave. The red headed nephilim had decided to bury her best friend but without staking him so he could come back to life…or…un-life. Of course Simon hadn’t exactly been thrilled to find out he was now a vampire - more precisely, he had been understandably shocked and upset enough to flee from the graveyard. Raphael had promised the two nephilim to follow the fledgling and take care of him, to keep him safe and prevent him from endangering himself or mundanes in his current state of terrified confusion.

“I never meant for this to happen. You didn’t listen when I told you to stay away. I tried to prevent you from getting killed,” the older vampire explained with a slightly pained expression and despite his own death being over half a century ago already this still felt way too familiar. The other’s reaction hit too close to home. Simon scoffed and his eyebrows drew together, making him look even angrier.

“What, first you kidnapped me and now you’re trying to tell me you wanted to _protect_  me?! Sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself that you’re not at fault but you are! Everything was fine, until you showed up and brought me to Camille!” It was above understandable that Simon blamed him and Raphael didn’t try to deny being at fault, he knew he was responsible and he honestly felt horribly guilty about it but there was no way to change what happened. He could only offer to help and show the boy how to be a vampire - how to control his new abilities, deal with the thirst and protect himself.

“Camille is the clan leader, I couldn’t just disobey her but I did my best to control the damage she did. I got you out of the hotel, didn’t I? You think I didn’t take a risk with that? That it wouldn’t have been easier to let her do whatever she wanted?” Raphael wanted the fledgling to understand that he indeed had helped and protected him as much as he had been able to. He never intended to harm the boy; even when he held the knife to his throat he had no intent to hurt or kill the other.

“This is insane.  _You’re_  insane! Of course you are…you’re a fucking  _monster_! And—and now…I’m one as well.” Simon’s voice wavered from his strong emotions and he looked like he was about to start crying - the older vampire couldn’t blame him. He knew what it felt like to wake up being a monster and how you could only wish to have died instead of becoming  _this_. He wouldn’t admit that it hurt being called a monster, although it had been his own opinion of himself for a long, long time - or maybe that was why it hurt so much; it reminded him of the time that he felt like a horrible, inhuman creature that shouldn’t exists in this world. But Magnus had helped him to not give up, showed him a different path and Simon needed someone to guide him as well, to help him accept his new nature, no matter how difficult it was to adapt to such a fundamental change.

“You’re not–,” Raphael started, wanted to calm the younger down and explain that the boy didn’t have to deal with this all by himself but Simon cut him off with a harsh “Shut up! And don’t fucking touch me!” and the older vampire admittedly hadn’t realized that he lifted a hand, had been about to touch the other’s shoulder. He froze, surprised by his own action, and due to that he was taken off-guard when the younger wanted to push him away, probably only wanted to bring some distance between them but he had absolutely no control over his new strength and sent Raphael flying with the unexpected force of his shove. By the time the vampire landed on the asphalt after crashing back first into some kind of delivery van, Simon had already turned around and fled the scene with his new inhumane speed, vanishing in a split second and left a grumpy vampire, swearing at another ruined jacket.

***

To say that Raphael didn’t expect Simon to show up at the Hotel Dumort a week later was an understatement. It wasn’t even midnight yet, but already pitch black outside, when Lily knocked on his door and interrupted him working through some paper work.

Camille had been taken care of for now - well, she was imprisoned in the cellar of the hotel and she would be kept there until Raphael came up with a good plan on how to deal with her - and therefore as second in command he was the current head of the New York clan. This meant he had to dive into all the neglected work their so-called former leader had never bothered with. Camille had never been a good clan leader, always put her interests first and she obviously didn’t care too much about abiding to the law of the accords, putting every vampire of the clan in danger with her egoistic ignorance. Breaking the accords, killing and turning a mundane, had in a way been the best that could have happened because it was a reason to keep this bitch locked up and if he could prove her guilty in front of the Clave, they could finally get rid of her for good.

Back to the situation at hand: Simon. The now clan leader heaved a sigh and got up from his office chair when Lily told him about their unexpected visitor and thanks to his vampire speed it only took him a few seconds to get downstairs to the lobby, where a uncomfortable, pale (even for a vampire) and jittery looking Simon was suspiciously looking around.

“Well, well. Look who we got here,” Raphael commented dryly and the corners of his mouth pulled into a tiny grin when the younger jumped and obviously didn’t noticed his arrival until the clan leader had spoken.

“Oh for–,” Simon choked on the word ‘god’, made a frustrated sound and settled for ending his exclamation with “for fuck’s sake.” The older vampire raised an unimpressed eyebrow and cocked his head in a questioning gesture, waited for the other to explain the reason for his sudden visit.

“I-I think I might need help?” Simon mumbled and if it wasn’t for Raphael’s vampire hearing, he probably wouldn’t have understood a single word the younger said. His eyebrows climbed a little higher on his forehead and the clan leader crossed his arms in front of his chest.

“Well, then go talk to you dear nephilim friends, why don’t you? Oh, no, wait, filthy downworlders can’t enter the institute with it being built on holy ground and the Clave doesn’t give a shit anymore as soon as someone isn’t an innocent mundane anymore. Such a pity,” the older vampire taunted with a humorless grin and for a second Simon seemed like he was about to complain but realized soon enough that it simply was the harsh truth of things.

“Clary and the others wanted to help me but they can’t. They don’t know–they don’t know what it’s like…Even Luke…” Simon shrugged; his gaze anywhere but on Raphael who had a carefully disinterested expression plastered across his delicate features. On one hand he thought about kicking the fledgling out the door because he clearly didn’t want help last time, insulted him and had acted up. On the other hand Raphael couldn’t bring himself to abandon the boy who still looked frightened and just…lost. He couldn’t blame the guy for being hostile last time, for saying those words, he had been understandably terrified - mostly of himself - and the clan leader knew how much time it took to adjust to all of this.

“The werewolf? You asked a werewolf for help?”

“Yes, Luke Garroway, the werewolf. I stayed at his place these past days. He told me a little about how he leaned control but…what he describes is different,” the boy admitted almost sheepishly and shrugged his narrow shoulders - even if turning into a vampire had filled him out a little more, he was still a quite lanky guy. Raphael huffed out a “That’s an understatement” and rolled his eye.

“Of course it’s different,  _idiota_. We don’t have the urge to howl at the moon or turn into hairy beasts that rip their victims apart. Vampires are far more sophisticated than those Neanderthals.” The clan leader bared his fangs in a toothy grin that seemed more intimidating than humorous and Simon was pretty sure, if he still had a heart beat, it would be beating even faster than it already would in this situation. On one hand he was kind of glad not to feel the rib-rattling thumping of his heart right now, it would certainly make him more nervous, but it also made him more aware that he was, in fact, very dead and would never again feel his own heartbeat.

“Sophisticated? Since when is draining helpless people of their blood a _sophisticated_ thing to do? Both species turn into cruel monsters - the  _how_  is the only difference,” the fledgling argued and he clearly held back on more remarks, obviously tempted to defend his werewolf…friend. Even thinking of a vampire and werewolf as friends was beyond ridiculous.

“For someone who wanted to ask for help you sure do a lot of insulting. Maybe it would be best if you just leave again,” Raphael suggested with a clipped voice and accompanied by a short hand movement towards the front door of the hotel. Simon’s eyes widened a little but he pressed his pale lips together and nodded, to the older vampire’s surprise - he had expected some kind of backtalk from the other - before he actually turned around to leave. Raphael ignored the rising urge to stop the fledgling, to keep him from leaving and offer him shelter despite his obvious unwillingness to accept his new self and this world, this species was now what he belonged to. But he didn’t and only watched the boy walk out the door.

-

“SIMON!” Raphael’s voice boomed through the dimly lit alleyway and the shadow looming over a body on the floor jerked back almost violently, uttering a shocked little gasp. The clan leader was next to the seemingly lifeless body in a fraction of a second thanks to his supernatural speed and he couldn’t suppress a low hissing sound from escaping his throat at the sight in front of him. A small girl, breathing shallowly, with a bit wound pouring fresh blood on the asphalt and Simon crouched against the nearest wall with wide eyes and a panicked gaze, blood at his mouth, chin, neck and soaking the front of his shirt.

“ _Dios mío_ , you could have killed her!” The older vampire hissed, despite knowing that Simon was obviously very aware of this horrible fact going be the gagging noise he made at the realization that he had bit someone and drank their blood. Raphael shook off his jacket, balled it up and pressed it against the girl’s neck to slow the breathing until the healing properties of the vampire saliva kicked in enough for the puncture wounds to heal and stop her from bleeding out. The girl would survive, her heartbeat and breathing strong enough to tell Raphael she wasn’t on the verge of death.

“I–I–I didn’t mean to. I was just–I don’t know what–how,” the noticeably shaken fledgling started stammering and Raphael rolled his eyes, clenched his teeth and only loosened his now ruined jacket from the unconscious girl’s neck when the bleeding was finally slowing to a stop.

“What happened? You obviously haven’t fed since the last time and it’s surprising you haven’t attacked anyone sooner. You’re just a fledgling; you can’t go without blood for such a long period of time and expect to withstand the natural instinct to feed. The longer you resist accepting you new nature, the more damage you will do to yourself and other,” Raphael warned and pushed his jacket beneath the girl’s head in an almost gentle seeming manner.

 _“This_  is why your nephilim friends or the werewolf can’t help you. You need other vampires to guide you, a clan to protect you because otherwise you’re nothing but a liability and the clave  _will_  put you down if something like this ends up with a dead mundane.” He got up and turned around to face Simon whose cheeks were slightly pink from just having fed but if he would still be a mundane himself, he would surely be white as a sheet.

“I–I’m sorry. I’m not cut out for this. I didn’t want to become…this. You should have let me die. Why did you bring me to Clary and let her choose to–to do this? I was dead and should have stayed this way…” The boy’s shoulders started trembling and he was cut off by a broken sob, his dark eyes welling up with bloody tears and Raphael suddenly felt utterly  _helpless_.

“You think anyone is ‘cut out for this’? Most go through exactly the same right after they were turned. There’s no shame in being afraid and confused but you have to learn and accept things for how they are now. You’ll get used to drinking blood and you’ll learn to control your new abilities. It’s hard to adjust but it’s far from impossible.” Raphael offered his hand, palm facing up, and rested his steady gaze on the upset fledgling until Simon looked up, tears streaking wet lines down his cheeks, their deep red in stark contrast to his pale skin.

“I’m sure you didn’t go through this - nothing seems to faze your heart of stone,” Simon commented but his voice was shaky, weak and he still reached out to take the clan leader’s hand, accept being pulled to his feet, even though his legs felt wobbly like Jell-O. Raphael huffed out a “Don’t be ridiculous, no one has a heart of stone”, rolled his eyes and then pointed towards the mouth of the alley.

“Wait there, I’ll take care of her and we head back to the hotel. Unless you prefer to stay with one of your useless friends?” Instead of waiting for Simon to reply, he simply made a shooing motion and turned back around to the girl. Raphael just had to get her to wake up and use his  _encanto_  to make sure she didn’t go around telling people about a boy attacking her to drink her blood. She would be fine and Simon would be as well, of that he would make sure.

***

Raphael grabbed the still wrapped sandwich from the fledgling’s hand and whacked him over the head with the food item before successfully throwing the thing into a trash can at the other end of the large room.

“Hey! I was gonna eat that!” Simon protested with a sullen expression, looking from the trash can to the clan leader who stared back at him with eyebrows raise in disbelief.

“Are you stupid? Wait, don’t answer that. You  _are_  an idiot. I’ve met smarter _sandwiches_  than this,” the older vampire shot back, shook his head and plopped down on the slightly frayed armchair next to the couch that Simon was currently sprawled over.

“Did you–Did you seriously just make a joke?”

“You’re a vampire, shithead,” he chose to ignore Simon’s comment, “and that means you can’t just eat stuff like that. If you insist, go ahead and stuff your face with mundane food but please do so elsewhere. We don’t need you throwing all of it up again in the middle of the lobby.”

“Oh…so what you’re saying is, that I will never again be able to eat anything but blood?” The boy’s face fell and Raphael closed his eyes with a pained sigh. Why exactly did he think taking the fledgling in would be a good idea? He could not, for the undead life of him, remember what had gotten into him and moments like these certainly made him regret his choices.

“Congratulations on two weeks of being a vampire and still knowing close to nothing about our kind. Are you even  _trying_  to take this seriously?!” One week of having Simon in the hotel and Raphael already struggled with the quite strong urge to strangle someone - preferably a someone called Simon. The latter honest to god squinted at him and then threw his arms in the air.

“All I did this week was trying to learn more about ‘our kind’ but you won’t answer at least 80% of my questions!”

“If you’d ask serious questions, I would answer. Also, most of your questions don’t make any sense at all.  _Why_  would vampires start  _sparkling_  in the sunlight? That would be of no use at all and besides - maybe you didn’t get the memo - but we  _burn_  and  _die_  in sunlight!”

“So, that’s a no. But you actually answered a question, I’m proud of you! Now: how about garlic?” Simon downright beamed at him, the little shit, and Raphael barely suppressed a growl. The fledgling seemed determined to get killed for a second time.

“Explain to me why garlic would be able to harm us?? Vampires usually keep away from the stuff because it  _reeks_  but that also goes for other things with strong, biting scents but it doesn’t harm us in any way,  _idiota_. And, to get back to the food topic in general: with enough training you can learn to eat ordinary food without throwing it up again. But it’s completely useless; it has absolutely no sustenance for us. It’s no replacement for blood, which is what our bodies need to survive.”

Simon blinked, surprised by hearing the other vampire talk so much - this was more than Raphael had said to him for the whole week of his stay here so far. He hadn’t known the other was capable of stringing together so many words and sentences. The other always tried to keep conversations as painfully short as possible - especially when it came to Simon.

“Wow, I didn’t know you were able to talk so much,” he blurted out and his brain-to-mouth filter was obviously still as unreliable as ever. This time it was Raphael’s hand that whacked him over the side of the head before pointing towards the door to the next room.

“Go pour yourself a glass of blood and just shut up for at least five minutes, your stupidity is giving me a headache,” Raphael sighed, rubbing his temple with his fingertips and glared at the younger vampire when Simon honestly dared to snort. But at least he listened for once and jumped off the couch to head to the room containing the coolers for the blood bags (well, where they stored some of the blood bags) but before opening the door he called a “You’re such an old man!” over his shoulder and Raphael resisted the urge to bare his fangs at the annoying fledgling, settled on groaning softly and  _once more_  regretted taking this idiot in.

***

“We barely see each other anymore,” Clary sighed and glanced at her best friend with sad green eyes, drawing a sigh out of the young vampire as well. Simon raised his shoulders in a helpless little shrug and scraped the tip of his sneaker through the rough gravel in front of the bench they were sat on. She was right, they were used to be around each other all the time and now they had to meet up after sundown in the dark park thanks to the fact that Clary wasn’t exactly welcome at the Hotel Dumort - with her being a shadowhunter and all - and he couldn’t enter the institute.

“I know and I hate it just as much as you do but…there’s nothing we can do about it. I can’t run around by day and you have to sleep at night to have the energy for your training. It sucks and I wish we could change it but…I guess it’s not possible.” He shrugged again and scratched the bridge of his nose - not because it itched but to cover up the still present habit of wanting to push his glasses up again (he didn’t wear them anymore; his sight was perfectly fine again now that he was a creature of the night).

“You could just come live with Luke again and I try to stay a few night of the week there as well - shouldn’t be a problem as long as I’m still at the institute in time for training. But that way we could spend at least a little more time together. What happened doesn’t have to change everything,” the red head suggested with a tiny, hopeful smile and Simon felt like a complete ass for what he was about to say but he knew there was no use lying to her or himself with this.

“Clary…it already changed basically everything. I would like to keep on pretending that I’m still the same as before but this will only work so long. I’m not the same as before, neither are you and the sooner we start to accept it, the lesser it’s gonna hurt. You will always be my best friend, nothing will ever change that, but we have to deal with what our lives have become. I’m a vampire and…- and I can’t believe I’m actually saying this - but I belong with my kind. Just like you belong with the nephilim. We both have to learn about our new abilities to be able to protect ourselves, and more importantly, each other.” Simon felt a sad smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, saw the expression mirrored on the pretty face he had always wanted to see with nothing else than a happy smile. But things changed, Clary couldn’t smile as brightly as she used to until her mother was awoken.

“I miss you, Simon. I miss  _us_.” Clary’s voice broke a little at the last word, breaking Simon’s motionless heart right along with it. He hated to see his best friend hurting and to know there was nothing he could do about it. Not right now. Not like this, when he was still learning control.

“I do, too. I miss you.  _Us_ ,” the young vampire repeated and his hand found Clary’s, his cold fingers curling around her much warmer ones, feeling the soft rush of pulsing blood beneath the tender skin. It was a good thing Raphael always had an eye on him, always made sure he fed, otherwise being this close to his best friend would be difficult and he hated nothing more than possibly being a threat to the girl he had loved for what seemed like forever, the girl he had always wanted to protect but was never really able to.

“I’m sick of being useless and the one good thing of becoming a vampire is the fact, that I now can be useful. Raphael helps me to learn control over my speed and strengths, so hopefully I can help you save your mum and Jace when I get better at this whole being-undead thing.” The young vampire smiled at his best friend, gently squeezing her delicate fingers.

“You’re not useless! You never were and never will be, Simon. You’re my best friend, you’re like my brother and I love you for always having my back. You always gave me strengths and I wouldn’t know where I’d be without you.” Her pretty green eyes sparkled with unshed tears but there was a soft smile on her fine shaped lips and Simon knew she understood what he had been trying to say.

“I love you too, you know. Always have and always will,” Simon promised and it had been weird to not feel the expected sting if disappointment when Clary had compared him to being like a brother to her. But it was even weirder to say ‘I love you’ for the first time without stumbling over the word like he usually would have. And the young vampire knew it wasn’t caused by his changed being but that he, too, had started to love his best friend like a sister. He had been so used to his crush on Clary, to his unrequited and very much romantic feelings of love towards her, that it took him by surprised to notice this new way of seeing her. He still loved her as much as he ever did, but he suddenly wasn’t  _in love_ with her anymore and he had no clue when his feelings had shifted, what had caused them to change, but it was at least one weight off his shoulders.

***

Raphael was at the desk in his room, sorting through some of the paperwork and though there were still almost two full hours until sunrise, he already felt he was getting tired and honestly contemplated going to sleep earlier than usual. He couldn’t do that, though. As clan leader he felt responsible to make sure every last vampire was back in the safety of the hotel when the sun went up and therefore he was usually the last one to lie down for the day. Maybe he could nap for an hour and get up again for to make sure everything and everyone was alright…

His thoughts were interrupted by a tentative knock at the door and he had to be seriously exhausted for not having heard the nearing steps. Even before he sighed out a “come in”, he knew who would be entering his room few seconds later. 

Simon looked unusually sheepish, standing in the door like he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to really  _come in_  or if it had merely been the permission to open the door and talk to the clan leader from the threshold. The fledgling uttered a soft “Huh” while his gaze traveled across the furniture before coming to a stop at the desk, taking in a weary looking Raphael with uncharacteristically mussed up hair.

“Hey, uh, I can come back later if this is a bad time? Or, later, like, tomorrow evening. Well, it would be this evening because tomorrow is today. What I’m trying to say: are you free to talk right now or should I,” Simon finished the sentence by pointing a thumb over his shoulder to indicate leaving and by the expression on the older vampire’s face he expected him to agree on ‘later’. This was why Simon was a little taken aback when Raphael actually made a hand movement to indicate for him to enter and close the door.

“What is it, fledgling?” Raphael turned around with his armchair, facing away from the stack of papers on his desk and got up to walk to a comfy looking couch.

“Don’t call me that all the time. I have a name, you know?” Simon huffed, scrunching up his nose, before tentatively following his leader towards the couch. For lack of other possibilities to sit on, the young vampire awkwardly settled down on the couch as well, keeping as much distance to the other as possible.

“I’m aware. But as you might have guessed, I simply choose to ignore this fact,” the clan leader shrugged and leaned back against the few soft cushions that were draped on the couch, his eyes studying Simon attentively, despite him being exhausted.

“I’ve been thinking about this - for the past few days, actually - but I wasn’t sure if it’s okay to ask and it’s completely fine if you don’t want to answer. It’s kind of very personal but…I thought I’d try asking anyway,” the fledgling started rambling and Raphael had to suppress a suffering noise that was very keen on leaving his throat. Seriously, why was it so damn impossible for Simon to come out with it instead of babbling so many meaningless words? Vampire Simon surprisingly managed to be more exhausting than mundane Simon had been, it seemed.

“ _Dios mío_ , just spit it out already.”

Simon sunk a little more into the soft material of the couch and gnawed at his bottom lip, his fingers curling around one another in his lap but never quite stilling in their restless movements. He lifted his shoulders, let them drop back down again and took a habitual breath before speaking.

“Why are you able to say g–” As usual, the young vampire choked on the word _god_ , felt like it was burning his throat and he couldn’t help the frustrated noise he made right after. “Why can’t  _I_  say it?”

“Because you believe in god but you think of yourself as someone, some _thing_ , that isn’t worthy of faith,” Raphael explained, his voice slow and almost soft sounding, without its usual snark or exasperation. Simon blinked and tilted his head with a thoughtful noise while his eyes took in the older vampire for a few seconds.

“So, what, you don’t believe anymore or do you think of yourself as  _worthy of faith_  and that’s why you’re able to say it?”

“Neither. I was simply stubborn enough to let anything stop me from being able to say  _god_  anymore. I wouldn’t advise to do the same, though, and it’s not like you really need to be able to say his name. You can have faith even if you don’t think you deserve it and maybe over time you learn to accept your new self and it sorts itself out. You have eternity to come to terms with being a vampire, after all.” He expected Simon’s face to fall after this admittedly useless answer but the boy frowned and his gaze turned more curious. He hesitated, though, obviously unsure of the words gathering at the tip of his tongue.

“You know, ever since…since I bit this girl in the alley…I kind of couldn’t get your words off my mind. You said that most vampires go through the same after being turned - feeling guilty, out of control, wanting to have died, et cetera,” the fledgling started and his voice seemed to soften with every word. Raphael knew what Simon was about to ask but he still didn’t stop him, surprised by his own patience regarding this usually touchy subject. “What was it like for you? After being turned, I mean.”

Raphael had never talked about this to anyone and the only people who knew were Magnus and Ragnor - the latter didn’t know every detail but enough to piece the basics together - and they only knew because they were around at the time. Magnus had saved his life, took him in and helped him through the difficult beginning, and Ragnor had popped up one day and bonded with Raphael by joining against Magnus with snarky remarks. Vampires mostly kept to their own kind but the clan leader considered the two warlocks his close friends, maybe even extended family, although he would never admit it to their faces.

“I’m–I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry and I know it’s absolutely none of my business. Sorry for bringing it up, please forget I ever said anything!” Simon flailed a little while he almost jumped off the couch and it was kind of fascinating that he managed to look inelegant even though vampires shouldn’t be able to move anything but smoothly.

“If you really want to know my story and promise to keep it to yourself - otherwise I would have to rip your throat out because I really prefer as few people to know about this as possible - then you should sit back down. It’s not exactly a short story,” Raphael heard himself say, before he could be sure if he was going to seriously consider answering the question. He didn’t know why he chose to talk about it for the first time after so many years. Maybe to show Simon that really wasn’t alone with his experiences and that it could be adapted to.

Simon was surprised, shocked even, that Raphael honestly agreed to talk about his past. The older vampire had never talked about himself until now, always kept everything private and preferred to ignore personal questions. The fledgling hastily sat back down before the clan leader would change his mind again. As soon as he was settled on the comfortable couch, the older vampire started telling his story with a low but steady voice, never once wavering but his dark eyes seemed distance - as he was traveling back in his mind and re-lived every moment he was talking about.

-

Simon felt a little shaken when the other had wrapped up his whole “how I became a vampire and learned to accept it” tale. Raphael had always seemed so composed, as if nothing could get to him, but this had revealed a whole new side of the older vampire. Suddenly Simon felt awful for calling the other a monster, for blaming him and accusing him of having a heart of stone. Raphael would have thrown himself into the sunlight, had wanted to kill himself after being turned, if it hadn’t been for Magnus preventing it. The fledgling had gotten to know the new clan leader as someone strong, confident and almost proud of being one of the night children. He had never expected such a sad story, so much pain and determination, to be hidden behind the distant and beautiful features.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t consider that you must have been through all of this yourself. I’m sorry for calling you a monster that night. I was so freaked out and didn’t think…” The boy obviously felt horrible for his behavior towards the other in the beginning and Raphael was honestly a little confused. Wasn’t used to people ever apologizing for when they insulted him in any way - to be fair, it was usually justified. 

“No need to be sorry. It’s not completely untrue, we sure  _can_  be monsters but in my opinion we choose to be one. Just like mundanes can be monsters as well. We are what we choose to be. We are part demon, after all, but we are part human all the same, you should not forget that, fledgling.” The clan leader actually offered a small smile along with his softly spoken words and Simon started to wonder if this was the real Raphael. If this was the boy who had been turned years ago and was just hidden away under a protective layer of snark and dismissal. And he wondered why it was him who got an insight in the softer parts of the older vampire’s character.

“Wait, have I entered an alternate universe or did you really just crack a smile for me?” He really didn’t want to kill the weirdly gentle mood but it felt like too much to see this vulnerable, open side of Raphael and he couldn’t help but make a stupid comment to get back a sense of normalcy between them. The clan leader rolled his eyes, heaving a disbelieving sigh and bared his fangs in annoyance

“You better head to your room now, the sun will be up soon,” Raphael grumbled with a dismissive hand movement but the corner of his mouth twitched ever so slightly when Simon jumped off the couch with a beaming grin.

“You know, at first I really wished I could hate you but I’ve got to admit that you’re kind of growing on me. You’re not such a bad guy when you take some time off from threatening me,” the fledgling commented, still grinning like the idiot he had proven to be but it was weirdly… _endearing_  to Raphael to see him this comfortable around him now. It was refreshing to have someone playfully talking back to him, not cowering just because he was the head of the clan.

“How about you shut up and leave,  _idiota_? You’re starting to get on my nerves.”

“Oh, shut up. I’m a delight and we both know it!” Simon walked towards the door but paused, his finger wrapping around the handle, and his gaze moved back to the couch and the other vampire again. “Thank you. For telling me about yourself. Your story is safe with me. You can trust me, I promise.”

The door softly snapped shut after the fledgling left and Raphael listened to his retreating footsteps, a tiny smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. He had never met someone like Simon before and it was scary to admit, even to himself in the secure silence of his bedroom, but he found himself already trusting the boy. Simon might be a complete dork most of the time but he was almost painfully honest and loyal.

***

“It was a greater demon. Simon wanted to protect me and…and he got hit by the attack instead.”

“Yeah, I can see that,” Raphael growled at the red headed girl and didn’t take a second to look up and glare at her, kept his gaze fixed on the unconscious Simon on the golden couch in the Hotel Dumort. His stupid graphic shirt was ripped to pieces, skin underneath shredded by demon claws and deep red vampire blood, as well as dark demon venom poured from the deep cuts.

“Magnus said he couldn’t do much and to bring him here.” Clary’s voice was close to breaking, tears streaking her pale cheeks and the clan leader could almost smell Jace’s urge to stomp over and comfort her - as if she was the one who needed it the most.

“Just shut up and get out, nephilim! You’ve done enough damage! I’ll take care of him and you’re only in the way,” the vampire hissed and Clary was about to protest when it was Alec who suddenly appeared next to her and almost gently grabbed her arm, pulling her towards the door with a hushed “Let’s go, we can’t do anything to help here and I’m sure Simon will be alright”. In another situation Raphael would have probably thought that Magnus seemed to have made a good decision in terms of choosing his newest lover but there was really no time to waste on such nonsense.

Raphael settled down at the corner of the couch as soon as the nephilim had left and his fingers hovered above the younger vampire’s mussed up hair, as if he was about to caress the other but wasn’t sure how to do so. He examined the fledgling and finally pressed his palm against the other’s pale cheek, patting it almost gently to hopefully get him at least halfway back to consciousness.

“Simon, hey, come to your senses,” the older vampire gently prompted his fledgling and ignored how much this situation reminded him of how he had found the other after Camille had killed him. But he knew there was no reason to freak out now, no matter how bad it might look, but as long as Simon’s vampire healing was ‘triggered’ in the next few minutes he would recover just fine but it would be more helpful for the boy to wake up for that. This fortunately happened with a slightly rougher patting of his cheek. The younger vampire’s eyelids fluttered and his bloodied lips opened in a soft, pained groan.

“W-what happened?” The fledgling was noticeably disoriented and his feeble voice cracked a little at the two words. Raphael lightly rested his palm against the younger’s shoulder to keep him from moving too much - even though he highly doubted Simon was interested in moving at all with his torn upper body.

“You idiot got in the way of a greater demon and you need blood to be able to heal.” Raphael rolled up the sleeve of his jacket to reveal his pale wrist and the clearly visible blue lines of his veins. Sure, there was a stack of blood bags hidden in this room but in Simon’s state that would end in a complete mess - besides, drinking blood from another vampire would provide more strength and no matter how weakened the fledgling was, his instincts would kick in more easily if he was offered a more natural way of feeding than being presented with a damn plastic bag.

“No, Raph-ael…I don’t…,” Simon tried to protest as soon as he realized what the other was about to do but he was barely able to talk at all and Raphael’s dark glare quickly silenced him anyway.

“You need blood, this is the easiest, most natural way. So shut up and drink.” With that, the clan leader extended his fangs to use them and slice the skin of his own wrist, immediately tasting the coppery flavor. Without further ado Raphael pressed his bloody wrist against Simon’s pale lips and the boy couldn’t fight against his natural instinct, his fangs extended intuitively and sank into the flesh of the other vampire’s wrist, swallowing greedy gulps of blood to quench his burning thirst.

When the fledgling was done drinking and his fangs retreated, he released Raphael’s wrist and his cheeks were finally gaining some color again - at least as much as possible for someone who was undead. The torn skin of Simon’s chest and stomach already seemed to start knitting itself together again.

“Sorry for causing trouble again,” the younger vampire mumbled with his still weak sounding voice and his gaze was fastened on Raphael’s wrist that was still smeared with some blood, though the puncture wounds had already closed up neatly. He only looked up to meet the older’s gaze when he felt cool fingertips press against his chin, tilting his head up.

“You didn’t cause me any trouble but I would prefer for you to take better care of yourself or I cannot have you accompany the nephilim on their suicidal missions anymore. I don’t care if you’re friends with them - if they can’t protect you, you will have to stay away,” the head of the New York vampire clan declared almost gruffly and he honestly hated the uneasy feeling in his chest every time Simon announced to head out with said nephilim because he ended up getting hurt almost every damn time. It didn’t matter that most of the time the wounds were minor and already healed when he was back at the hotel. The cuts, dirt and blood on his clothes still revealed that he had been hurt.

“I don’t need anyone to protect me; I can do that just fine!”

“Clearly,” Raphael replied dryly and pointed at the still bloody mess that was the younger’s torso. He really didn’t know who Simon was trying to fool but it was far from working. Simon muttered another apology and closed his eyes, felt understandably exhausted after all this and his body wasn’t completely done healing yet.

“Get some rest; we’ll talk about this later.” Raphael pushed his fingers through his hair, smothered the urge to do just that with Simon’s mussed up hair, and rose from the couch. He honestly didn’t expect tentative fingers curling weakly around his wrist to keep him from leaving. If it wasn’t for his vampire hearing, Raphael might have not heard the soft “Stay…please” and the fledgling was clearly close to passing out from all the exertion.

“I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere,” the older vampire heard himself promise and he gently withdrew his wrist from the other’s loose grip. Simon was already asleep when Raphael sank into the armchair next to the couch, a glass of blood in hand to fill his own energy up after letting the younger drink from him. His gaze barely left the motionless body on the couch and he kicked his feet up on the glass coffee table.

-

“I can’t let you do that. You’ve been helping your useless nephilim friends every night for almost a week. You do realize you have obligations here as well, right? This is your home, your family and not a place for you to sleep.” Raphael stood in front of the main entrance of the Hotel Dumort, arms folded across his chest and his icy glare might still scare Simon a little, no matter how used to it he should be by now.

“Uh…but…they need my help,” the fledgling stammered and the older vampire was not impressed by this obvious excuse of a reason. Simon might be better with his abilities by now but the nephilim could easily do without his help once in a while.

“That’s none of my concern. Maybe you finally get your shit together and tell me why you’re trying to avoid me lately and I might change my mind. But as long as you act like a child, you’re staying here, simple as that.”

Simon openly gaped at his leader and uttered a “Wait, you mean I’m _grounded_?” with a slightly higher pitched, incredulous voice and wide eyes. It would have been amusing to watch under different circumstances but Raphael was serious about wanting to know why the younger was so set on avoiding him these days, since this demon attack.

“Call it whatever you want. Fact is you’re not leaving until you talked.” Raphael bared his fangs in a humorless, toothy grin and the fledgling’s shoulders dropped a little at the realization that he wouldn’t get out of this. Simon knew he couldn’t avoid the other forever, especially not without Raphael catching up on it, but he had hoped it lasted at least a little longer for him to come up with an explanation or to get over the confusing feelings that caused his admittedly awkward behavior.

Raphael indicated the younger vampire to follow him upstairs and to his bedroom instead of the usual lounge with the golden sitting area. The clan leader preferred talking in a room that he didn’t associate with Simon bleeding everywhere (this seemed to become a new worrying hobby). Besides, the clan leader thought this golden furniture was tacky as all hell but, well, it was Camille’s doing after all.

“So, what’s going on with you lately?” Of course Raphael didn’t waste any time and immediately came to the point as soon as both of them sat down on the couch. Simon rested his hands in his lap, interlacing his fingers and moving them around in a nervous habit while biting his bottom lip.

“It’s nothing, really. There's nothing to worry about.” At least it wasn’t anything for others to worry about. The young vampire did worry about his newly realized state of emotions and he was pretty damn sure that Raphael would kick him out of the hotel if he found out about this. He couldn’t imagine the older vampire being fine with knowing about Simon’s ridiculous crush on him that had developed out of nowhere and had chosen to become clear to the young vampire when Raphael had taken care of him after the demon attack.

“For the past few days you were literally bolting from the hotel as soon as the sun went down and you tell me that  _nothing_  is going on? Do you take me for a fool, fledgling?” The older vampire narrowed his eyes at Simon who felt even more uncomfortable now and couldn’t help but think that he would rather be anywhere else but here right now.

“N-no, of course you’re not a fool. It’s…it’s just…uh…” The words following after this were an unrecognizable blur of squashed letters and Raphael blinked, clearly confused, because vampire hearing didn’t seem to help deciphering words that were uttered at a rapid speed.

“Simon,  _dios mío_ , what is your problem?”

“I-I think I am…I might be…I’m eventually…maybe…quite possibly…inlovewithyouanditterrifiestheshitoutofme.”

The older vampire didn’t quite catch the end of the sentence again but Simon could pinpoint the exact moment when his brain belatedly processed the rushed confession - the leader’s dark eyes widened, his temptingly plush looking lips opened ever so slightly and under different circumstances the younger vampire would be proud to have managed to surprise the other this successfully. But right now Simon’s nerves went into overdrive; his body reacted before his brain had a chance to catch up and he suddenly found himself off the couch and on his way to the door but of course Raphael was much faster and caught him halfway. Cold fingers curled around his just as cold wrist and the fledgling was spun around, his back not too gently colliding with a wall and he was suddenly face to face with the clan leader’s terrifyingly unreadable expression.

“Would you stop.running.away already?!” Raphael all but hissed and Simon was so sure the older vampire’s now determined expression was out of a determination to now kill this annoyingly stupid fledgling for daring to develop such ridiculous feelings for him of all people. It was his turn to be thoroughly surprised when he felt the unexpected press of cool, yet ridiculously soft lips against his own and nothing made sense anymore. Simon was sure his heart was about to burst from his chest, even though he knew it wasn’t beating but he still felt the memory of a nervous hammering heartbeat within his rib cage, although he would never again feel this sensation.

“ _Yo también te amo._ ”

A hushed whisper against his lips and Simon might not remember much from the one year of Spanish he had during his time at school but this,  _this_ , he understood and this one sentence managed to short circuit his brain completely. He was unable to react in any other way than to initiate another tentative kiss that quickly turned more heated and for the first time since he had been turned Simon was honestly glad to be a vampire for the nonexistent need to breathe and he was unbelievably thankful for this fact because kissing Raphael was  _the best thing_  he had ever experienced.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my second Saphael, this times a "little" more than the first one with its measly 400+ words. I hope it didn't turn out too bad, it's been a while since I've written anything proper and, well, it will probably never not feel like my English is awkward at several points. If you notice anything completely odd, wrong choice of words or whatever, please feel free to tell me :) I'm not a native speaker (obviously) and feedback would be very appreciated.
> 
> Thank you for reading and come visit me on [tumblr](http://mckvch.tumblr.com/) if you want to be flooded with Saphael, Malec and other stuff - and, of course, feel free to leave me a message ♥


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